Anytime
by Courtney2
Summary: A letter from an old friend makes Jacqueline Pratt think about the past . . . and yearn for what she’s lost.
1. Part One

Title: Anytime  
Author: Courtney  
Email: courtneystovall@yahoo.com  
Disclaimer: Not mine.  
Rating: R  
Category: Jake/Hamilton; future-fic  
Spoilers: A few little ones for the season finale that I've heard about so far. Mostly Bella/Scout stuff.  
Summary: A letter from an old friend makes Jacqueline Pratt think about the past . . . and yearn for what she's lost.  
Author's Notes: The lyrics belong to Brian McKnight. My roommate downloaded the song to my computer and the more I listened to it, the more a story started to tell itself in my head.   
Thanks: Brian McKnight for the lovely, sad lyrics; Candice for downloading unwanted things to my computer (haha), and my wondrous beta readers for services rendered. Oh, and the gals at the Hamilton_Jake list for all the fanfic that inspires the hell out of me! ;-)  
Feedback: Please!!! I'm pretty sure where I'm going with this but it would still be helpful to get some opinions. And, of course, if it sucks too badly then you should all let me know so I can stop torturing you, lol.   
  
----------------------------------  
  
Part 1  
  
I can't remember why we fell apart   
It's something that was so meant to be   
Forever was the promise in our hearts   
Now more and more I wonder where you are   
Do I ever cross your mind . . . anytime?   
Do you ever wake up reaching out for me?   
Do I ever cross your mind . . . anytime?   
I miss you . . .  
  
  
Jacqueline Pratt stared down at the letter she held in her hands and smiled. 'You are cordially invited . . .' the invitation announced. She flipped back to the hand-written letter from her old friend, Bella Banks. In the letter, Bella told her about her upcoming wedding and how, even though she knew they hadn't seen each other in a few years, it would be really great if she were to come. All of the old Rawley gang will be there, her neat penmanship assured her.   
  
She chewed her lip thoughtfully, wondering if 'all the old Rawley gang' included *him* as well. She hadn't seen him in forever . . . not since she'd left school halfway through their senior year. He'd tried to call her, but she'd never called back. She felt that the best thing was not to have any contact with him. It was the only way.   
  
Now, she wondered if her decision had really been the best one. Maybe she owed him more . . .   
  
She walked quickly to the telephone in her tiny New York apartment before she could change her mind. Dialing the number on the RSVP, she waited.   
  
"Hello, Banks residence," said a familiar voice.   
  
"Bella, hey! It's Jake, I just opened your letter."  
  
"Jake . . . oh my goodness! It's been, what, almost two years now?" the other girl said.   
  
"Yeah, about that," Jacqueline agreed.   
  
"I'm so glad that you called!" Bella gushed. "You have no idea how much I've missed you, girl!" Jake and Bella had managed to become friends during Jake's first year at Rawley. It hadn't taken long for Bella to learn Jake's secret and after that they had grown especially close. Bella was the only girl that Jake could really talk to in Rawley. And she had needed that . . . especially near the end.   
  
"So, you're getting hitched finally, huh?" Jake said to her old friend.   
  
"Yeah, we're finally gonna bite the bullet."  
  
"Well, it's about damn time. Scout sure does take his time about things," Jake said.   
  
"Oh, I can't really blame it on Scout. It's pretty much my fault that we've waited so long. I just . . . I wanted it to be perfect. Now I finally feel like it is." Jake could hear the smile in the other girl's voice. Bella was very happy with Scout Calhoun. She'd loved him from the first moment she'd laid eyes on him . . . but the realization that they shared the same blood had quickly squelched their budding romance. However, at the end of that first summer, they had discovered that Bella was not, in fact, the daughter of Senator Calhoun. Ever since then, she and Scout had been inseparable.   
  
"I'm really happy for you, Bell," Jake told her with a smile.   
  
"So, you're coming, right? It wouldn't be the same without you, Jake. Please say you'll be here!"  
  
"I . . . I dunno. Things are a little hectic right now . . . I might not be able to get away . . ."  
  
"Oh Jake! No, you have to come!" Bella insisted.   
  
"You're up to something," Jake stated dryly, knowing her old friend too well.   
  
"J . . . he's coming all the way from Los Angeles," she said. "He still misses you . . ."  
  
"No Bella, I can't see him," she stated firmly.   
  
"But why not? It's been so long ago now. Hell, we've all been out of high school for ten years . . . and it was before then when you saw him last."  
  
"Old wounds, Bella. You know the story," she said.   
  
"Promise me that you'll think about it at least," Bella prodded. "It's my *wedding*, Jake. And you're my best friend in the world. You *have* to be here!"  
  
"We haven't talked in almost two years," Jake reminded her.   
  
"But you still know me better than anyone," Bella assured her. "Promise you'll give it some thought."  
  
Jake sighed into the phone. She knew it was a mistake, but she found herself saying it anyway. "Fine Bell, I'll give it some thought."  
  
"Great!" she squealed back, already knowing that Jake would cave in and come to Boston for the wedding. "Look J, I've gotta go. I have so much planning left to do and no time left to do it in. But we'll talk later, okay?"  
  
"Sure thing. Say hi to Scout for me," Jake told her.   
  
"I will. Take care. Bye!"  
  
"Bye," Jake said and she cradled the receiver. She knew that she'd be going to that wedding. She had to.   
  
Now the only thing left to decide was what she would say to him.  
  
* * * * *  



	2. Part Two

Title: Anytime  
Author: Courtney  
Email: courtneystovall@yahoo.com  
Disclaimer: Not mine.  
Rating: R  
Category: Jake/Hamilton; future-fic  
Spoilers: A few little ones for the season finale that I've heard about so far. Mostly Bella/Scout stuff.  
Summary: A letter from an old friend makes Jacqueline Pratt think about the past . . . and yearn for what she's lost.  
Author's Notes: The lyrics belong to Brian McKnight. My roommate downloaded the song to my computer and the more I listened to it, the more a story started to tell itself in my head.   
Thanks: Brian McKnight for the lovely, sad lyrics; Candice for downloading unwanted things to my computer (haha), and my wondrous beta readers for services rendered. Oh, and the gals at the Hamilton_Jake list for all the fanfic that inspires the hell out of me! ;-)  
Feedback: Please!!! I'm pretty sure where I'm going with this but it would still be helpful to get some opinions. And, of course, if it sucks too badly then you should all let me know so I can stop torturing you, lol.   
  
----------------------------------  
  
Part 2  
  
Still have your picture in a frame   
Hear your footsteps down the hall   
I swear I hear your voice driving me insane   
How I wish that you would call to say   
Do I ever cross your mind . . . anytime?   
Do you ever wake up reaching out for me?   
Do I ever cross your mind . . . anytime?   
I miss you . . .  
  
  
Hamilton Fleming opened his mailbox and removed the week's worth of mail that had accumulated since he'd last been home. His job kept him busy and he traveled during the week most times so by Friday night he always had a stack of mail to go through.   
  
He entered the house that he rented about three blocks off Melrose. He'd been here for a year and he was getting ready to move again. He'd been like that for years, moving from place to place, trying to find somewhere that felt right. It never seemed to work. No matter where he went, something was always missing.   
  
The cream-colored envelope caught his eye as he thumbed through the stack of bills and junk mail in his hands. 'Mr. Hamilton Fleming,' the address said. The return stamp read Hartford and he knew who it was from. He'd spoken to Scout a few weeks before and had promised that he'd be in attendance at his old friend's wedding.   
  
A smile crossed Hamilton's face as he pulled a newspaper clipping from inside the invitation. It was the engagement announcement from the Hartford Gazette. Scout and Bella were pictured beneath the small article, both smiling happily and holding one another. They looked like the perfect couple.   
  
He laid the article on the coffee table and slumped down into his worn, leather sofa. Thinking about Bella and Scout made him think back to his high school days. They'd all had some good times together. He remembered the double dates they'd go on. They'd drive three towns over just so that Jake could go as a girl and not be found out. But that hour and a half in Bella's dad's rusty old pickup truck had always been worth it . . . just so that he could hold her hand as they walked down the street or kiss her during the romantic parts of the movie or share an ice cream cone in the park after dinner. Those were his very best memories of high school . . . maybe of his whole life in general. Nothing had really felt as good since then.   
  
Hamilton sighed deeply, his memories of Jake bringing on a melancholy that had never seemed to leave him for very long in the more than ten years since he'd seen her last. She had been the love of his life, the one he wanted to be with forever . . . and then she'd left him . . . and his whole world fell apart.   
  
He wondered if she was coming to the wedding. He knew that she still spoke to Bella from time to time, though Bella and Scout both tried not to mention her name too often. They knew that it still upset him. They knew that there was still a faded old photograph of the two of them in his wallet and that he would still stare at it sometimes and just wonder what he had done to drive her away. He'd never gotten over her . . . his first love . . . his soulmate.   
  
Now, after more than a decade, he had the prospect of a reunion in front of him. All he could do now was wait.   
  
* * * * *  
  
**Flashback**  
Ten Years Earlier  
  
"Hey Jake, you in here?" he called as he knocked again on the door to her room. Still no answer.   
  
He knew that she was home; he'd seen her come in while he was in the lobby talking to Patrick from his English class. But he hadn't wanted to be too obvious in ditching everyone for Jake. They had to be careful about how things looked to everyone.   
  
It'd been over two years since she'd first started at Rawley Boys . . . longer than she had ever expected to keep up the charade. But, after meeting Hamilton, fooling her mother was no longer her main objective. She just wanted to stay there with all the new friends she'd made, she wanted to keep her place on the crew team, she wanted to keep having Finn for English Lit . . . and she wanted to be with the boy she loved. That was all that mattered to her anymore.   
  
Bella, Scout and Will knew her secret, too, by then. They'd all been sworn to secrecy and, as long as everyone was careful, they were all sure that the truth would not come out.   
  
But, lately, things had been weird. Something was wrong with Jake . . . and Hamilton was really worried about her. She hadn't been herself for weeks. Bella seemed to be in on whatever was going on, always shutting up right when he walked up or giving him sympathetic looks when she thought he wasn't watching. It was starting to make him paranoid. And now Jake was obviously ignoring him and he was starting to get scared. Just what was it that was going on with her . . . and why didn't she want him to be a part of it?  
  
"Jake?" he called again, this time trying the door. Locked. Even though he had promised her he would always respect her privacy, he found himself reaching in his pocket for the copy of the school's master key that he had lifted from his dad's office. He wouldn't have done it if he weren't really concerned about her . . . he just needed to know that she was okay.  
  
He heard the click of the lock as it opened and he turned the doorknob and slowly enters his girlfriend's room. "Jake . . . are you alright?" he asked quietly as he came in. He surveyed the room and at first saw no sign of her. Then, he looked closely in the dark corner of the room where dusk was already causing the shadows to deepen . . . and that's when he saw her.   
  
She was sitting with her legs pulled up to her chest and her head resting on her knees. There was no longer any doubt in Hamilton's mind that something terrible had happened . . . and he had to know what.   
  
He rushed over to her and crouched in the floor next to her. "Sweetie, what is it?" he asked as he pulled the helpless looking girl into his arms. He immediately realized that she was crying and his concern grew. "Jake? Please . . . talk to me . . ." he pleaded as he stroked her hair and held her close. But she didn't say anything. She just cried. And he just held her until she fell asleep that night.  
  
**End Flashback**  
  
* * * * *  
  
"I can't believe I let her talk me into this," Jake muttered as she surveyed the flight schedule from New York to Boston. No cancellations or delays, she noted with obvious distaste. There was nothing to blame it on if she turned back and went home. She knew that there was no way to get out of this wedding fiasco . . . or of seeing him again after all these years.   
  
"Damn you, Bella," she mumbled and picked up her suitcase to head towards her gate. They were already boarding when she arrived so she got in line behind about twenty other people. The line moved quicker than she would have liked and, soon enough, she was sitting in her seat on the plane . . . looking out the window and praying for a tornado.  
  
* * * * *  
  
**Flashback**  
Ten Years Earlier  
  
"You need to tell him, Jake," Bella said definitively to her distraught friend as they sat in Bella's bedroom one sunny afternoon in early spring.   
  
"How can I do that, Bell? I can't do that," she told her woefully. "I . . . God, what do I do?" Jake was on the verge of tears again and Bella could already tell. She'd seen Jake break down more times in the last two weeks than she had in all the previous two years that she had known the girl. The whole situation was starting to really worry Bella.   
  
"I'm sorry this is happening to you, J, I really am," she told her friend as she sat next to her on the bed and touched her shoulder in comfort.   
  
"I love him so much, Bell . . . how am I ever going to walk away from him?"  
  
**End Flashback**  
  
* * * * *  



	3. Part Three

Title: Anytime  
Author: Courtney  
Email: courtneystovall@yahoo.com  
Disclaimer: Not mine.  
Rating: R  
Category: Jake/Hamilton; future-fic  
Spoilers: A few little ones for the season finale that I've heard about so far. Mostly Bella/Scout stuff.  
Summary: A letter from an old friend makes Jacqueline Pratt think about the past . . . and yearn for what she's lost.  
Author's Notes: The lyrics belong to Brian McKnight. My roommate downloaded the song to my computer and the more I listened to it, the more a story started to tell itself in my head.   
Thanks: Brian McKnight for the lovely, sad lyrics; Candice for downloading unwanted things to my computer (haha), and my wondrous beta readers for services rendered. Oh, and the gals at the Hamilton_Jake list for all the fanfic that inspires the hell out of me! ;-)  
Feedback: Please!!! I'm pretty sure where I'm going with this but it would still be helpful to get some opinions. And, of course, if it sucks too badly then you should all let me know so I can stop torturing you, lol.   
  
----------------------------------  
  
Part 3  
  
"Hey Ham, over here!" he heard as he got off the plane at Logan International. He looked in the direction of the voice and saw Scout walking towards him with a huge grin on his face.   
  
"Hey buddy!" Hamilton greeted him as he hugged his old friend and slapped him on the back.   
  
"Great to see you, man. How was your flight?" Scout asked as they began to walk through the airport together.   
  
"Not bad, just a little turbulence, but nothing awful. I made it anyway," he said with a slight grin.   
  
"Well, I'm glad of that," Scout said.   
  
"So, you getting excited about the big day?"  
  
"Yeah, and nervous as hell!" he laughed. "I've only been dating Bella for what, twelve years now? You'd think that marrying her would be a piece of cake at this point."  
  
"Love always makes you nervous. That just means you've found the right person," Hamilton advised. He looked rather sad as he said this and Scout nodded solemnly.   
  
"She's coming, you know," he said.   
  
"Yeah, Bella told me," he nodded.   
  
"So, are you going to ask her?" Scout questioned.   
  
Hamilton shrugged. "I dunno, man. I mean, she's kept her reasons for leaving a secret from me for so long now . . . I just think if she wanted to tell me that she'd have done it by now. I guess I just screwed up." His face fell as he talked about her; it was obvious how much he still loved Jake Pratt, even after all these years.   
  
"She still cares about you," Scout said with a sureness to his voice. "She's never found anyone else in all this time . . . that says something."  
  
Hamilton shrugged again and the two kept walking. It'd been a long time and Hamilton had gotten his hopes up about a reconciliation with Jake too many times in the past to let himself feel that disappointment again. He knew deep down that he would never stop loving her, but he had decided a long time ago that if they were ever going to have a second chance, then she would have to make the first move.   
  
* * * * *  
  
"So, where's he staying anyway?" Jake asked as she stood in the kitchen of Scout's house with Bella. Bella had been living in Hartford for a few years, but she and Scout had decided to live together in Boston after they got married. She had already transferred there and would start back to work there when she returned from her honeymoon.   
  
"Here, of course," she told Jake as she put away the clean dishes they'd just washed from lunch.   
  
Jake nearly choked on her tea. "Um, excuse me? Here? In this house? Dammit Bella, why didn't you tell me sooner?" she demanded.   
  
"I assumed you knew," she said in her own defense. "I mean, he's one of Scout's best friends. He *is* Scout's best friend, aside from Will, and Will already lives here. We have three bedrooms so we just figured it would be easier for you to both stay here."  
  
"Bella, why are you doing this?" Jake wanted to know.  
  
"Doing what, Jake? You know, it's been a long time. I know that what happened in high school was hard for you and I know that it wasn't easy for you to leave Hamilton . . . and I know that you did what you had to do for yourself. But, I also know that you never stopped loving him and he feels the same way about you. He's tried to get in touch with you so many times over the years . . . can't you just give him another chance finally?"  
  
"I would love to, Bella, I really would. It's just . . . if I see him then I'll have to tell him the truth and . . . I just don't know if I can . . . even now," she admitted.   
  
"J, I know it hurts, but I think that telling him is exactly what you need. And no matter what happens between you two afterwards, I think you'll both be the better for it. The truth can't hide forever . . . you need to face it and move on. You both do."  
  
She looked up at Bella and she couldn't dispute what her friend had said. Jake knew that she was right. She'd known it for years now. But, the question was, how did she tell him? How, after all these years, did she tell Hamilton her big secret . . . and how was he going to react?  
  
She knew she'd just have to wait and see.  
  
* * * * *  
  
**Flashback**  
Ten years earlier  
  
"What do you mean, 'he's gone'? Gone where?" Hamilton demanded as he sat in his father's office.   
  
"Son, I don't have any idea. All I know is that Mr. Pratt is no longer enrolled at Rawley Academy. If I knew anything else then I would tell you." Dean Fleming could see that his son was upset about his friend's sudden departure and he wished he had more answers for the boy. "Hamilton, I promise to let you know if I hear anything more, okay?"  
  
"Yeah, sure dad, thanks," Hamilton said absently as he turned to leave. He had already tuned his father out; his mind solely concentrated on the fact that Jake was no longer a student at Rawley. She really was gone.  
  
**End Flashback**  
  
* * * * *  
  
"Hey sweetie, I'm so glad you made it in," Bella gushed as she hugged Hamilton the minute he walked in the front door with Scout. "I haven't seen you in months either," she chided. "You really have to make it out to visit us more often."  
  
"I'll do my best, Bella, I promise," he assured her. She answered him with a sweet smile. He was looking around the house, trying to be casual but his intent was all too clear.   
  
"She's upstairs," Bella told him.   
  
"Who?" Hamilton asked, trying to act as though he had no clue who she could be talking about.   
  
"You know very well who," she replied knowingly. "Go on up and talk to her; get it over with. She already knows that you're coming."  
  
"You don't think . . . maybe she'd rather see me with you guys here, too?" he asked cautiously.  
  
"I think it'd be better if it were just the two of you," she told him.   
  
He nodded, looking towards the stairs. "Okay, wish me luck."   
  
Bella and Scout watched from the living room as he started upstairs. She squeezed Scout's hand . . . and hoped for the best.  
  
* * * * *  
  
:::Knock, knock, knock:::  
  
"Come in," Jake called from inside the guest room. She'd heard them come in and listened to the conversation that had gone on in the living room. She was already well-aware of who stood on the other side of the door. And she knew that it was finally time to face him at last.  
  
"Hello Jake," Hamilton said as he entered the bedroom. He closed the door quietly behind him and looked at her carefully. "You look . . . just like I remember," he smiled softly.  
  
"I doubt that very much," she replied with a smile of her own.   
  
"No, really . . . you're as beautiful as you were the day I met you," he said.   
  
"The day you met me you thought I was a guy," she reminded him.   
  
"A beautiful guy," he smirked.   
  
She laughed a little and said, "Same old Hamilton."  
  
He moved closer to where she stood by the window and just shook his head, his small half-smile never fading. He looked amazed . . . simply astounded that they were finally in the same room together again. "It's been so long, Jake," he whispered.   
  
"I know . . . I'm sorry about that," she said.   
  
"Me too," he replied.   
  
"Um . . . let's sit down," she suggested. They moved to the bed and sat at opposite ends facing one another. "You're looking really good, Ham. I hear you're still taking pictures."  
  
"Yeah, you know, it's always been my passion. Well, one of them, anyway," he said meaningfully. She swallowed hard and just nodded. "What about you? Bella said something about the New York Times."  
  
"Yeah, I guess I underestimated my writing skills. Or they overestimated them. Either way, at least I'm gainfully employed so . . ."  
  
"I'm sure you're wonderful. I'd love to read some of your work."  
  
"I've seen a few of your pictures. You're still so good," she said.   
  
He smiled a little and gave a nod to the compliment, then he fell silent. She was about to ask him another question to continue the small talk when he finally spoke first. "Jake, what happened ten years ago?"  
  
Her breath caught in her throat at the question and for a minute she couldn't breathe. "Um . . . I, uh, I guess I owe you an explanation," she said.   
  
"You don't owe me anything . . . but I'd like to know. I'd like for you to tell me. You used to be able to tell me anything and then . . . I just don't know what I did wrong," he admitted. With those words he sounded so small, so fragile and hurt that it almost brought tears to her eyes. She hadn't fully realized until that moment just what her leaving had done to him. She had shattered him . . . and he had never been the same since she left him.   
  
"It's a very long story . . . one you aren't going to like," she warned him.   
  
"Anything is better than nothing at all, Jake. One day I find you crying in your dorm room floor and the next I find all of your things gone and my father is telling me that you aren't a student at Rawley anymore. You just vanished without so much as a goodbye. You never returned my calls; my letters came back unopened; my emails went unanswered. I didn't know what to think, Jake. I had no idea what I'd done."  
  
"Oh Hamilton . . ." she said in a pained voice. "It wasn't you . . . it was me. You didn't *do* anything, I just couldn't stay there."  
  
"But *why*?" he wanted to know.   
  
She sighed, knowing that only the truth would answer all his questions. She had to tell him . . . even if it meant he would hate her forever. She owed him this, no matter what he might say to the contrary.   
  
"The day before I left, the day that you found me crying in my bedroom floor . . . I went somewhere that day. I wasn't in class. I'm not sure if you remember that, but I wasn't. I was with Bella. She drove me fifty miles away that morning to a town I'd never been to. We went there . . . we went to see a doctor. What I found out that day is why I left. I left because . . . because I was pregnant," she finally managed to say.   
  
She couldn't look up at him as she finally revealed this long hidden secret. She just stared at her hands and listened for his response.   
  
"I . . . I . . . you were . . . Jake, I never . . . I mean, no one knew? No one?"  
  
"Just Bella, and I swore her to secrecy," Jake answered.   
  
"Yeah, she always told me that it was your secret to tell. I just . . . this is the last thing I would have thought. I mean, I always just assumed that it had been something *I* did that made you leave. I never stopped to think that . . . God, Jake, how could you not tell me that?" he asked accusingly. He was starting to get angry now in spite of himself.   
  
"I'm sorry," was all that she could say.   
  
"Sorry . . . all this time and you're sorry," he repeated. He got up from the bed and paced the small room for a moment. "I . . . I just don't know what to say," he admitted.   
  
"I didn't do it to hurt you, Hamilton. I was only trying to protect you. I thought that by not telling you about it I could somehow keep you from being hurt." One look into his eyes then, though, and she could see that she had done anything but spare him pain. He looked like someone had just taken away everything in the world that he had ever loved. And she had; Jacqueline Pratt had just, with a few simple words, changed everything about life that Hamilton Fleming thought he knew.   
  
"I'm sorry," he said quickly as he turned to leave. "I just . . . I can't do this. I can't be here with you right now . . . I can't." And, with that, he was gone. And Jake began to cry.  
  
* * * * *  



	4. Part Four

Title: Anytime  
Author: Courtney  
Email: courtneystovall@yahoo.com  
Disclaimer: Not mine.  
Rating: R  
Category: Jake/Hamilton; future-fic  
Spoilers: A few little ones for the season finale that I've heard about so far. Mostly Bella/Scout stuff.  
Summary: A letter from an old friend makes Jacqueline Pratt think about the past . . . and yearn for what she's lost.  
Author's Notes: The lyrics belong to Brian McKnight. My roommate downloaded the song to my computer and the more I listened to it, the more a story started to tell itself in my head.   
Thanks: Brian McKnight for the lovely, sad lyrics; Candice for downloading unwanted things to my computer (haha), and my wondrous beta readers for services rendered. Oh, and the gals at the Hamilton_Jake list for all the fanfic that inspires the hell out of me! ;-)  
Feedback: Please!!! I'm pretty sure where I'm going with this but it would still be helpful to get some opinions. And, of course, if it sucks too badly then you should all let me know so I can stop torturing you, lol.   
  
----------------------------------  
  
Part 4  
  
No more loneliness and heartache   
No more crying myself to sleep   
No more wondering about tomorrow   
Would you come back to me, come back to me . . .   
  
  
"Hamilton, wait!" Bella yelled after him as he flew down the stairs and out the front door. But it was too late; by the time she got there, he was already gone. She caught her bottom lip between her teeth in worry, then turned for the stairs to see about her other friend.   
  
Jake heard the knock on the door but she knew that it wasn't Hamilton so she didn't respond. Bella came in anyway and walked across the room to sit beside her on the bed.   
  
"You told him," she stated, not needing the question answered. "He just needs time," she continued.   
  
"No, he hates me," Jake said surely. "And I don't blame him one bit. I deserve it." She wasn't sobbing, just crying. Big tears rolled down her cheeks as though they were escaping even without her knowledge. She seemed oblivious to everything at that moment except her own self-contempt.   
  
"He loves you too much to ever hate you," Bella assured her.   
  
"I made him wonder for ten years what he'd done to drive me away . . . when all along it was all my fault," Jake said. "I can't even ask him to forgive me."  
  
"Jake, you were young; you were scared," Bella reminded her. "I would have done the same thing."  
  
"No, you wouldn't have," she stated matter-of-factly. "You would have told Scout the truth and the two of you would have worked it out together. Because that's who you are, Bella. You're honest and open and you talk about things that bother you. I don't do that . . . I never have. I lied to him from the first day I met him . . . and I've never stopped lying; not even to myself."  
  
"You're being too hard on yourself," he friend said.   
  
"No, I'm just finally telling myself the truth," Jake replied. It was easy to see that this was tearing her apart, but she would not let herself be comforted into believing that things were going to be okay. They weren't; it was over. And she was getting what she deserved.   
  
* * * * *  
  
'A baby!' his mind screamed at him. She had a baby and she never bothered to even tell him! Not even years later. What had become of the child? Was she raising it? Had she given it up? Was it a boy or a girl? 'God, I'm a father,' he thought as he slumped down on the edge of the sidewalk. He'd been walking for blocks through Bella and Scout's suburban neighborhood and he had no idea how far he'd gone or how to get back. But it didn't even matter; he wasn't capable of thinking about anything except what Jake had told him.   
  
He was twenty-eight years old and, for the most part, he hadn't really given much thought to being a parent by this point in his life. But that didn't mean that he didn't want to have the chance. That didn't mean that he wanted to be kept in the dark for *ten years* while his child grew up without him!  
  
'Damn her! She had no right . . .' he thought ruefully. For so long he had loved Jake Pratt and wished that she'd forgive him for whatever he'd done to make her leave. And now, after all these years, he was finding out that maybe the blame wasn't his after all.   
  
"Ham, get in the car," he heard as Scout's car pulled up along the curb in front of him.   
  
"I can't talk to her right now, man," Hamilton protested.   
  
Scout opened his door and got out of the car, standing with his arm atop the window frame and squinting through the midday sunlight at his old friend. "Don't you think this was hard for her, too?" Scout asked.  
  
"So, you knew too, huh?" was his sardonic response.   
  
"Not until today. Bella told me just before you came rushing downstairs. She figured something like this might happen I guess . . . Look, I'm your best friend, right?" Hamilton nodded somewhat grudgingly. "So, I'd never steer you wrong," Scout continued. "And I think we both know that you're not the kind of guy to just run away from things . . . especially something so serious."  
  
Hamilton thought about reminding him that Jake had been the one to run away first, but he thought better of the words before he let them escape. Scout was right; he wasn't the type of guy to just run off without any discussion. He faced things that bothered him; he always had. Hell, when he was fifteen and thought that he was falling in love with another guy, wasn't he the one to corner the so-called man in the boys bathroom and lay one on him? Even though that situation had turned out a *lot* differently than he had expected, the principal still stood.   
  
"Okay," Hamilton finally said as he got up from the curb and opened the passenger's door. "Let's go back. Jake and I have some things to discuss."  
  
* * * * *  
  
When he and Scout walked back into the house, it was silent. "Bell?" Scout called from the living room.  
  
Bella stuck her head out of the kitchen and smiled at the two. "I see you found him," she said as she nodded approvingly at Hamilton.   
  
"You knew I wouldn't get far," Hamilton replied as he returned her smile. His words sounded casual with Bella, but it was easy to see that he felt anything but. He was still reeling from Jake's confession, not to mention the nervous tension coursing through his body as he thought about the questions he wanted to ask her. He knew they needed to talk about this situation, but he wasn't quite sure that he'd be prepared for the answers he would receive.   
  
"I'm making some tea, would you like some?" Bella asked their houseguest.   
  
"Uh, no, thanks," Hamilton replied. "Is, uh . . . she's still upstairs?" Bella just nodded and stood in the kitchen doorway with Scout as Hamilton mounted the stairs for the second time that day. Once again she held Scout's hand . . . and held her breath.  
  
* * * * *  
  
Dear Hamilton,   
  
I'm not sure how to start this out. I've tried so many times to tell you about the pregnancy, but I could never seem to find the words. And now that I've finally told you, I fear that you will never look at me the same way again.   
  
I know that you have every right to be angry. I wouldn't blame you if you never spoke to me again. Still, I want to at least try and say that I'm sorry. For whatever good it does, I know that I was wrong and I wish there was something I could do to change my actions. However, that's all in the past now and I know that nothing I say or do can make up for what I have done.   
  
So much time has passed and so many things have gone unsaid for so long now. I realize that you've blamed yourself for what happened back then between us and again I apologize for putting you through that. I only wish that you could somehow find it inside of yourself not to hate me . . . because through everything and after all these years, I still love you as much as ever. I hope that even a tiny part of you can still believe that.   
  
Love Forever,   
  
Jake  
  
She read over the letter for the tenth time and a fresh tear rolled off of her cheek and onto the paper. She was sure that he'd never speak to her again; at least this way she'd get some sort of goodbye. She folded the paper up and started to put it into the envelope that she had inscribed with his name when she heard the bedroom door open yet again. Looking up, she expected Bella. When she saw him before her, the letter fell to the floor.   
  
"H-hamilton," she stammered.   
  
"We need to talk," he told her quietly, a little of the angry edge faded from his voice now.   
  
"I . . . I thought you'd never want to see me again. I thought that you would . . . that you'd hate me," she admitted.   
  
He sighed and stepped further into the room, closing the door behind him. "God Jake . . . you know I could never hate you. I mean, how am I supposed to hate someone that I've loved so much for so long? I don't even think that that's possible," he confessed.   
  
She found a smile tugging at her lips as his words brought on fresh tears. "I'm so glad that you finally know," she said hoarsely.   
  
He moved over to the bed, sitting beside her and taking her trembling hands between his own. "Jake . . . I need you to make me understand all of this . . . please. Just tell me why. Why didn't you tell me, why didn't you let me help you, and why wait *ten years* to tell me now?"  
  
She shook her head woefully and cast her eyes down as she responded, "I wish I had the perfect explanation, Hamilton, I really do. I just . . . I was young, I was scared . . . I don't know what else to say. It was a decade ago and I was seventeen. We were still in *high school* for Christ sake . . . and the only thing I could think to do was run away. So that's what I did." She finally let her eyes focus on his once again as she added, "I'm so sorry, Hamilton."  
  
Her shoulders sagged beneath the weight of her sorrow and, no matter how upset he might have been with her, Hamilton could no longer resist the urge to hold her. He pulled her body against his own and tried his best to sooth her as she broke down in his arms.   
  
When she'd finally regained a bit of her composure, Hamilton spoke again. "So, what happened, Jake?" She looked up at him and he said, "To the baby . . . what happened?"  
  
She shook her head woefully once more and said, "I just couldn't . . . I couldn't be anyone's mother. I couldn't even take care of myself, much less a child. I went home, told my mom what had happened and we had it . . . taken care of." Her voice turned to a whisper on those last few words and Hamilton could see that the very thought still tore her up inside.   
  
"You had an abortion, then," he verified.   
  
"Yes," she admitted.   
  
"God Jake, I wish you hadn't gone through that alone," he said softly as he tightened his arms around her. "I could have helped you . . . I could have been there at least."  
  
"I didn't know how to tell you," she said. "And, the truth is, I thought that I was protecting you by not telling you. I was going to have the abortion and just not say anything. I never really planned to stay gone forever. I was going to come back after a few weeks but . . . well, it was tougher than I thought."  
  
"There were problems?" he asked.   
  
"No . . . well, I mean yes, but not anything physical. It was just, afterwards, I felt like a different person. Everything I'd thought I knew about life, about my life . . . it had all changed. I wasn't the same anymore . . . and it wasn't a good feeling at all.   
  
"You know how after the first time you have sex, you're still the same person for the most part, but something inside of you changes? It seems like it won't make much of a difference, but then you realize that that one tiny little event colors everything you see, everything you do . . . suddenly you have to get to know yourself all over again. Your world changes. You aren't as young as you once were; you are no longer quite as innocent. You change . . . and you can never get back that person that you once were."  
  
Hamilton nodded, knowing what Jake meant. He'd felt those things after their first time together. He'd loved her more than his own life and she was the only person that he wanted to lose his virginity to, but still there had been that little ounce of regret that floated in the back of his mind after the fact.   
  
"Well," Jake continued, "this was sort of similar to that. I found that I wasn't me anymore. I was . . . different. I didn't like it and I didn't want to put you through the same thing. So, I stayed away for a while. But then, two weeks turned into two months and then to two years and suddenly it had been a decade since I'd laid eyes on you and it was so far past too late that I had no idea even where to begin anymore. And so I just stayed away."  
  
Hamilton was listening to her, still holding her against him as though it were the most natural thing on earth. As angry as he had been when she'd told him the truth, he found himself understanding her reasons, her fears . . . he couldn't hold this against her. Besides, he knew that he still loved her. They'd thrown away ten years of their lives . . . he wasn't about to waste another day.   
  
"I forgive you," he whispered close to her ear, then leaned forward to softly kiss her cheek.   
  
She turned around, astonished by his words. "Do . . . do you really mean that?" she asked hopefully.   
  
"I could never stop loving you," he told her. "And I want us to have the chance that was taken away from us all those years ago."  
  
Her eyes brimmed with more tears, but these were only shed in happiness. "I love you so much . . . I could never even tell you."  
  
"I already know," he assured her. They shared a smile and then a kiss . . . and two strangers became best friends all over again.  
  
* * * * *  
  
The End  
August 17, 2000  



End file.
